Wednesday, December 09, 2009


Spider-Man 3 was seriously terrible. I could go on, at length, about why, but all I really need to do is show you this scene, which actually happened in the movie:

Scenes like that are totally why I was into Spider-Man as a kid. Oh, wait, no, I was into the 90s Spider-Man cartoon growing up because he was a wise-ass, who was always cracking jokes while alternately getting beat up by or beating up enemies three times his size. As a smart-assed little brat myself, I could really get behind back then. The big problem I have with the spider-man movies involves there being no wisecracks and entirely too much on-screen crying.

Nevertheless, director Sam Raimi (who I'll always have to like for the Evil Dead movies) is moving ahead with a fourth film, and casting news is already starting. While they haven't signed contracts yet, apparently the safe bets for the villain roles are John Malkovich and Anne Hathaway (according to this article on movieline). Malkovich is in the running for the Vulture, a bad guy from the comics who steals peoples' youth for his own strength. Or something. It's been a while since the cartoons but I do remember that episode where he takes Spider-Man's youth, then takes off Spider-Man's mask and leaves him there, comatose and wrinkly, so when the effect wears off and Spider-Man's young again everyone will see who he is. Then Spider-Man just woke up and beat him up as an old man, or something.

Yeah, it's pretty ridiculous.

Anyway, one would assume Anne Hathaway's in talks for The Black Cat, a voluptuous, athletic, totally hot cat burglar who Spider-Man runs into all the time and is always trying to seduce him, putting stress and Spider-Man and Mary Jane's relationship.

I don't think Hathaway's really the right girl for the role (she's a good actress and all, but, guys, cast a model or something. I don't think the role's main priority is acting talent - but, oh wait, this is the Spider-Man series where everybody cries. Nevermind, go ahead.) Still, good idea to sell tickets - introduce the cleavage-heavy hot young female villain. In the article, though, it claims they're rewriting the role a little so it won't be like in the comics - The Black Cat is being replaced by The Vulturess, the Vulture's daughter, a female variant of his costume, who still steals shit and tries to seduce spider-man and all that - but in a bird-themed getup. Like this:

Whoa, wait, what? Guys, come on. That's just silly. That's just fucking silly. Put the girl in the tight leather costume and make her try to seduce Spider-Man. You're all just being silly. Go make a Spider-Man movie with hot girls and sweet fight scenes and a minimum of crying, for fuck's sake. What happened to Hollywood?

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